How To Set Up An FLR Read online

D) Never

  Q-23: I want to cook her meals.

  A) Always

  B) Occasionally

  C) Sometimes

  D) Never

  Q-24: I want to run errands for her.

  A) Always

  B) Occasionally

  C) Sometimes

  D) Never

  Q-25: I would love for her to require that I bow or kneel to her.

  A) Always

  B) Occasionally

  C) Sometimes

  D) Never

  Q-26: I would love to be naked while serving her.

  A) Always

  B) Occasionally

  C) Sometimes

  D) Never

  Q-27: I would like her to tie me to a chair or the bed.

  A) Always

  B) Occasionally

  C) Sometimes

  D) Never

  Q-28: I would enjoy her dressing me in female clothing.

  A) Always

  B) Occasionally

  C) Sometimes

  D) Never

  Q-29: I want her to make me perform or entertain her.

  A) Always

  B) Occasionally

  C) Sometimes

  D) Never

  Q-30: I want her to make me serve her and her friends.

  A) Always

  B) Occasionally

  C) Sometimes

  D) Never

  Q-31: I want to obey her in public.

  A) Always

  B) Occasionally

  C) Sometimes

  D) Never

  Q-32: I want her to tease me sexually.

  A) Always

  B) Occasionally

  C) Sometimes

  D) Never

  Once you have both completed your questionnaires, it is time to score your answers. If you answered more than 50% of your questions with “A” or “B” answers, you are definitely ready for a female led relationship. Compare your answers with your partner's. Check to see exactly which questions you differ on and discuss them in detail. You may not be as far off as you think. Many of the questions have more than one positive answer. If you are only one level different in your answers, you should be able to come to a consensus on how to handle that area of your relationship with little difficulty.

  In the next chapter of this book you will learn how to take these differences and work them into your agreement so that both parties can experiment with different aspects or your female led relationship and see what works for you as a couple.

  Be aware, there may be many other things you will want to cover in your agreement. Things such as: humiliation; bi-sexuality; tease and denial; chastity; etc. You may also want to consider some of the things in the following chapters as well. Defining punishments and disciplines more fully might be something you want to consider. Or, perhaps, what punishment goes with what type of misbehavior, etc. In the mean time, I suggest you keep your agreement as simple as possible.

  Remember to take it slow. Take baby-steps when you first start out. No one expects you (or should) to jump right into your roles without first testing the water. For those of you who are a little timid or unsure of yourself at this point, take a look at the chapter on overcoming fear and guilt. In chapter 9, I talk more about using baby-steps to help you grow into your roles without so much trepidation.

  ~ ~ ~

  Chapter 7: How Kinky Are You?

  This may seem like a stupid question to be asking in a book about FLR's, but, trust me, it is vitally important that you take this into consideration when you are negotiating your agreement. First of all, it is very likely that the male half of your partnership was the one who first suggested you enter into this new relationship. Either way, it is going to be something that the two of you will have to discuss before you finalize your first agreement.

  Let me walk you through what probably happened...Your partner approached you with the idea of an FLR. If that partner happens to be a male, then he, most likely, did a great deal of research (mostly online) to figure out if this was something he really wanted. As he did this research, he began to fantasize about what he thought would be the perfect FLR for him. It is unlikely that he really took your interests to heart in these fantasies. In other words, he has already been thinking (wishing, dreaming, hoping) that you will become his “ideal” feminine “Mistress.” In his mind, he had it all worked out. You were going to magically jump on the idea as if you have always wanted to be in charge of everything and now would be your big chance to make your life-long dreams come true. He has had this fantasy building in his mind for some time. Now he has let the cat out of the bag, and he is hoping that you will jump into it with both feet. Of course, you are not quite so enthusiastic about it. Am I close?

  Anyway, your partner probably has a good idea of exactly what he wants you to be, whatever that is. And you, having just been introduced to the idea, have a very different idea. You need to get together. You need to know exactly what he is looking for in a controlling partner. If he is looking for you to be the stereotypical Mistress, dressed in black leather and carrying a riding crop around to keep him in line, he is, most likely, in for a rude awakening.

  On the other hand, if he has really thought this through, he will understand that you may not be at the same level he is. That is, you may not want to smack him with a riding crop every time you turn around. In fact, you may not even be comfortable scolding him for misbehavior. So how do you handle this difference between your “kinks” and his?

  The first thing you will need to do is to figure out just with what you would be comfortable and how that fits into what he wants (or vice-versa as the case may be). You should both fill out what the BDSM community refers to as a “checklist” for negotiations. I have included a very brief version of one to get you started. Chances are, it will be all you need, at this point anyway. Eventually, as your desires and/or confidence grows, you may want to look into a more comprehensive checklist that will cover more than the few items I included in mine.

  Once you have each filled out a checklist, you will need to compare them to see what you agree on and what you are both ready for. For example, you may be ready for a hand spanking while he wants you to use a large, severe paddle. You might settle on using a hairbrush to start out with and later move to a regular paddle. You may both discover that his fantasies have lead him to want certain things that his body is just not ready for. My personal recommendation is to set your limits fairly low, especially in those things you are not used to. Then, as time goes by and your confidence grows, you can increase those limits to something that suits you both a little better. Don't push either of you too hard, especially in this area. Moving too fast can only cause problems. Problems that you are not ready to face. So, like with everything else, take it slow. Don't be afraid of doing too little. Too much would be worse. Always err on the side of caution.

  Another thing you might want to do, if you are the one who will be in charge in your new relationship, is to keep a copy of your partner's checklist for future reference. That way you will know what kinds of things you can always try out without pushing his or her limits. Limits change. Be ready for that. Design your agreement in such a way as to allow for those changes. For example, he may think he wants to be treated harshly including being severely paddled. But once you hit his bottom with that large wooden paddle a couple of times, he may change his mind.

  That's why we have “safe-words” to keep things from getting out of hand. He needs to learn how to use safe-words. My husband and I have always used the same set of safe-words whenever we play or when there is a physical punishment involved. I will often ask him for a safe-word when I am using a paddle or riding crop on him (as he always did when I was his slave). If he says, “green-light” then I know that everything is just fine and I may continue with the punishment. If he says, “yellow-light” at any time, I know that he needs me to take it easy on him. Things may be getting a little too intense for him, but he doesn't want me to stop. I might give hi
m a minute to relax while I scold him or reiterate why he is being punished before continuing. And finally, if he says, “red-light” at any point, it means there is something wrong or that he has reached his limit for that particular activity. I stop immediately and we discuss the problem. Chances are, he couldn't take any more punishment.

  Don't misunderstand me, you may never need to use a safe-word in your relationship at all, but it's a good idea to have them just in case. You never know when you will need them. If you ever do, you will be glad you set them up. My friend Murphy (the one who initiated Murphy's Law) tells me that if anything can go wrong...It will! Be prepared. It's your best defense against Murphy's Law!

  Here is a brief checklist of some of the things you might want to discuss. Be aware, there are many more in-depth checklists on the Internet. You can find them by doing a search for “BDSM Checklist” from your favorite search engine. If the following checklist does not cover enough for you and your partner, feel free to use one that works better for you. Remember, you BOTH need to use the same checklist and compare your answers. Then you can settle on a happy medium in those areas where you differ.

  The link below is to one of my favorite checklists. I like it because it not only explains each activity, but it allows you to compare your checklist automatically.

  http://www.soulshaven.f2s.com

  Chapter 7a: FLR Checklist

  The following checklist was designed for those first entering into an FLR. It covers many of the things you are likely to encounter when setting up your agreement. There may be other things, not on this list, that you will want to include in your agreement, but this list should help you get started. It all depends on how kinky you are and how kinky you want to be.

  FLR Checklist Ratings

  Every item in this list should be rated by each partner using the following scale:

  “0” = I will NOT do this! No, NEVER! I hate the idea!

  “1” = I really don't like this, but if you insist, we could try it.

  “2” = Okay, I suppose we could try this if you really want to.

  “3” = This sounds like fun. We could try it if you like it.

  “4” = I would love to do this, what do you say?

  “5” = Oh, YES! Please, can we do this, can we, can we?

  I think you get the idea. If you hate the thought of doing a particular activity and refuse to even try it, that's a “0”. If you really love the thought of doing it, that's a “5”.

  FLR Checklist

  Age Play – The submissive partner pretends to be a baby or toddler.

  Diapers: Wearing or using diapers as a part of your play or routine.

  High-chair: An adult size high-chair added for more realism.

  Playpen: Adult sized playpen added for more realism.

  In private: This activity would be kept totally private, in home only.

  In semi-public: If guests are invited to your home, would they witness this activity?

  In public: Would the two of you be seen on the streets doing this?

  Anal Activities – The submissive partner is subjected to items being inserted into his anus.

  Anal plugs under clothing: The submissive wears a plug while doing errands or at work. Used as a reminder of who is in charge.

  Anal plug during play: Using anal plugs at home but not worn out of the house.

  Prostate Milking: A form of releasing semen without the normal ejaculation.

  Strap-on Dildos: Worn by a female to have anal sex with her partner.

  Other Dildos: Flesh-like or phallic-shaped items inserted into the anus.

  Vibrators: Any of a number of vibrating “toys” that can be inserted into the anus.

  Behavioral Control – Ways and means of discipline for misbehavior.

  Physical punishment: Spanking, CBT, nipple clamps, etc.

  Disciplinary action: Standing or kneeling in a corner, doing repetitive tasks, etc.

  Verbal control: Scolding or lecturing for misbehavior.

  Verbal humiliation: Name calling or belittling the submissive for misbehavior.

  Additional chores: Adding more work to his load for failure to complete tasks.

  Bi-sexual activity – The sub is forced to have homosexual relations with another man.

  Fantasy only: Talking, writing or pretending such activity only.

  In private: Forced to engage in this activity but never making it public knowledge.

  In semi-public: At a party as entertainment or other semi-public event.

  In Public: Forced to perform homosexual acts in a public place such as a men's room.

  Bondage – Binding, chaining or otherwise securing the submissive in place.

  Wrists cuffed: Use of some sort of device to bind wrists to an object or together.

  Ankles cuffed: Use of some sort of device to bind ankles to an object or together.

  Metal cuffs: Metal cuffs can be rough and cause severe chaffing.

  Leather cuffs: More commonly used than metal and don't cause much chaffing.

  Rope: Easy to use, especially around large body parts such as the chest.

  Scarves: Used to bind wrists and/or ankles with no chaffing.

  To a bed: For teasing or punishment. Face up or down depending on the activity.

  To a chair: Fun for teasing or lecturing or forcing him to watch videos, etc.

  To a table: Kitchen table or other table for ease of access, either flat or bent over.

  To a bench: Such as a coffee table or exercise bench.

  Cellophane wrap: Saran Wrap(R) used to wrap a sub and keep him immobile.

  Ace bandage: Very effect restraint, can be used anywhere except the neck.

  Chastity – A means of preventing sexual activity when away from the Dominant partner.

  Penis cage: Any of a number of plastic or metal devices designed to limit access.

  Full belt: Limits access to genitals and has a locking belt as well.

  Short periods: From a few minutes to a few weeks.

  Extended periods: Usually for several months with occasional removal for cleaning or teasing.

  Clips & Clamps – Often used to inflict pain for punishment or during teasing.

  Nipples: Clothespins (pegs), various types of clips and clamps made for such use.

  Scrotum or penis: Usually done as a part of CBT (cock & ball torture)

  Bottom: Clothespins work well here. They are not as painful as as nipples.

  Other: Can be used on any part of the body where enough skin can be pinched.

  CBT - Cock & Ball Torture

  Rope or string: Often used to bind the penis or balls in uncomfortable positions.

  Candle wax: Dripping of candle wax onto the body (use caution not to burn).

  Clips & clamps: Clothespins or other type of clamp used to cause mild pain.

  Electroshock: Any of a number of devices designed for producing mild shocks.

  Needles (other sharp objects): Can be inserted into skin but often just to poke it and not penetrate the skin.

  Collars – Worn to signify ownership or submissive nature of the sub.

  In private: Only worn at home or during play sessions such as teasing, etc.

  Semi-public: Worn during parties or when other people are invited to participate.

  Public: Worn out of the house, perhaps on a daily basis.

  With leash: Used to lead the sub around or signify ownership in public.

  Cross Dressing – The wearing of clothing normally associated with the opposite sex.

  Full outfit (including make up): Dressed up as a maid, hooker, or just a woman.

  Only under clothing: Usually just under garments, panties, teddies, etc.

  Semi-public (at parties, etc.): Home or dungeon parties or just to serve your friends.

  In public: Dressed up for a night on the town or just everyday shopping.

  Cuckolding – When the Dominant partner has sex with another man/woman with full disclosure to the sub.


  Fantasy Only: No actual cuckolding just stories for teasing etc.

  In secret: The Dominant my have sex secretly then informs the sub later.

  In private: The sub knows about the sex but is not allowed to view or participate.

  Watching only: The sub is allowed to view the sex either while hidden or in the same room.

  Full participation: The sub is allowed to participate as directed by the Dominant.

  Cum Drinking – The consumption of the sub's (or other man's) ejaculate.

  From a cup: The sub is “forced” to drink his own ejaculate from a cup or saucer.

  From hand: Either the sub's own hand or the that of the Dominant's, licking it clean.

  Vaginal cleaning: Licking the Dominant's vaginal area clean after she has had sex.

  Cleaning after cuckolding: Same as above but he is tasting someone else's ejaculate.

  Discipline – Usually a milder form of behavioral correction or modification.

  Physical: Standing in a corner or wearing of nipple clamps, etc.

  Verbal: Being scolded or belittled for misbehavior.

  Repetitive tasks: Folding the same piece of clothing over and over to learn a lesson.

  Menial tasks: Sweeping the floors or polishing silver, etc. for an extended period.

  Writing: Writing apologies or sentences repetitively as a form of discipline.

  Eating – Where will he be eating his meals or other snacks?

  While naked: Sub must be naked to eat all meals, etc.

  From dish on floor: Like a dog, eats out of a bowl or dish placed on the floor.

  From the floor: Food will be tossed on the floor for his consumption.

  From her body: Either from her hand or other body part. (Can be very erotic for both.)

  At her feet: His meals shall be eaten while seated at her feet.

  Enemas – Often used to clean out the bowels before engaging in anal activities.